“Depression is apart of us, we are just distracting ourselves in order to cope. If you are experiencing the effects of depression, it is likely your environment not meeting your needs. We are constantly working to suppress our depression. Keeping our minds engaged and focused chases our negativity away. By planning for the future, even just a day in advanced, we chase our darkest thoughts back behind a boundary. Engaging in hobbies and things we enjoy, we reestablish our sense of identity that was likely stolen from us by our abusive partners and relationships.
Reclaiming identity can be one of the challenging parts of recovery from any type of abuse, especially narcissistic abuse.”
This was one of my daughter, Cheyenne’s, writings. She wrote it close to the end of her life. I had never seen it till about a week ago. Sometimes it seems like she knew exactly what I was going to need to hear or know. It still takes my breath away. I wonder how did she know what my struggles were or were going to be??? Then it hits me, because she had the same struggles.
I hate that she knew. He was supposed to give it all to me and leave her alone. She wasn’t supposed to ever know. But, what always happens, happened. And so she knew. She knew what narcissistic abuse was, physical abuse, emotional & mental abuse. Her father, my ex husband, taught us both very well. 21 years of his abuse.
If you’ve never dealt with someone who was abuses you in one way or another, usually several ways,don’t judge those of us who have. We’ve been through enough. The extreme depression we deal with seems like it’ll never go away. And it’s not as easy as just walking away.
He wasn’t a father or a husband, he was a monster. He used fear to rule his home and family. The horrible memories of him haunted my daughter right up to her very end. To her last day, she was torchered by the things he had done & said. “Your too sick for anyone to love”, that one cut her to her core like nothing else had. She cried so hard, on her last day alive. Because of him. I remember her crying out “He was right”. I wrapped her up tight in my arms & told her no he wasn’t. Everyone loved her, it was him no one loves. Can you imagine being so jealous of your child that you would destroy their spirits.
You see, narcissistic abuse has many faces. It comes in so many forms. They damn sure hate themselves. And they hate it when someone loves themselves. That’s something a narcissist can never do. So they will do and say anything and everything they can to destroy that. Leaving us hurt & devastated. It leaves us wondering what’s so wrong with me? Then you find yourself wondering who you are.
After we escaped such abuse, I was left to try and figure out who I was & wanted to be. I knew I was no longer the person I had been. But losing my beautiful daughter meant I could never be who I always wanted to be, her mother. So what now??? And then, I find this writing from her. And I know she’s still with me & always will be. I am her momma & I always will be.
So maybe our identities change & we grow into who we’re meant to be. There’s no forcing it & we cannot control the timing. All we can do is chase our negativity behind a boundary. Now I understand why she would tell me boundaries are so important.
If your struggling too, know you are NOT alone. Your struggles & depression do not define you. They’re just thoughts & emotions, and short periods of time. Time is fleeting & will pass. You are going to be okay. There is light waiting for you. Just hold on and keep moving forward. Step by step, day by day, one emotion after another. These are the things that are shaping you into who you are meant to be, at this point.
I am always here for anyone who needs to talk, or just needs someone with you in the darkness. I’ve made friends with the darkness, so I don’t mind at all.
as always………
Love Madly,
The Mad Woman
Cherish